155: Pleasers

Pleasers: why women don't have to make everyone happy to be happy

As I mentioned in a previous post, last year was not the greatest year so when I walked up to begin my journey into nonfiction on the very first aisle, this book practically jumped off the shelf and into my arms.  The book then sucks you in from the back page with three simple questions:

1. Do you have a hard time saying no to people?

2. Do you feel guilty taking time out for yourself?

3. Do you feel overwhelmed by responsibilities?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you might be a pleaser.  How ridiculous!  Doesn't everyone feel this way sometimes.  I only have to feel one of these things and all of a sudden something is wrong with me.  Well, congratulation to the author, you have me hooked.  Now I have to figure out how to fix this...

Turns out...I am a pleaser.  The book was right.  But there are many different types of pleasers and not all of them are bad news.  I found that I connected most to the stories of the played out pleaser.  This was someone who is highly motivated and a perfectionist (which it turns out causes all kinds of problems).  Played out pleasers are willing to do everything they can, but rarely say they can't take care of something.  They hold it all inside as an angry and uptight person that erupts in private, but maintain a happy face for the world.  Boy if my husband could read that!  He often complains that I seem angry or unhappy when the slightest things set me off schedule.  I'm not actually angry...just tired.

How did I get this way?  Well, it wasn't because of a bad relationship with my Dad like the book tries to point out.  In fact, my dad is AWESOME!!!!! I believe it is a result of the second idea in the book...birth order to blame.  Here are some traits that I have as a first born:

• Perfectionist
• The author dedicates an entire chapter on how my perfectionism will eventually destroy me into a never ending pit of despair until I learn to let go of my crazy goals and go for mediocre...never happening.  I guess I will wallow in excellence forever :)
• Reliable
• Conscientious (try to be)
• List Makers
• I think the author visited my office
• Well Organized
• This led to a huge debate at my house.  Mostly because my sister...a raucous last-born took offense to the idea that I would be considered more organized than her.  She would be right.  She is often more neat and clean than I am.  I tend to twirl around in a mess that somehow manages to pull it all together when I get to work.  At work, I take all the organized energy I haven't been using and apply it at a frantic rate that leaves others stressed out by spending time around me.  Way to go!
• Critical
• Serious
• Scholarly
• I just started a blog that is about reading nonfiction so I guess I can't argue with this one
• Goal Oriented
• High Achieving (if you set goals...this is the result, come on)
• Self-Sacrificing (oh boy, I am a pleaser)
• Supporter of law and order (I'll share a story about this one)
• Loyal

Luckily for me, most of my traits are pretty good.  They just mean I have a tendency to want to follow the rules and not complain.  It also means I rarely say "too much" or ask for help from anyone outside my parents.  So the key to not being so much a pleaser...or to become a happier pleaser is to speak up.  It is ok for me to say "I can't do that" or to expect to be treated fairly.  I am allowed to have high expectations for other people (as long as they are reasonably)

Overall, I definitely recommend this book.  It is a fun read and it does make you think about yourself in a new way.  Let me know if you think you are a pleaser and how you are fixing that :)

Happy Reading!

Leman, Kevin. The Pleasers: Women Who Can't Say No and the Men Who Control Them. F.H. Revell Co., 1995.