155: Pleasers

Pleasers: why women don't have to make everyone happy to be happy

As I mentioned in a previous post, last year was not the greatest year so when I walked up to begin my journey into nonfiction on the very first aisle, this book practically jumped off the shelf and into my arms.  The book then sucks you in from the back page with three simple questions:

1. Do you have a hard time saying no to people?

2. Do you feel guilty taking time out for yourself?

3. Do you feel overwhelmed by responsibilities?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you might be a pleaser.  How ridiculous!  Doesn't everyone feel this way sometimes.  I only have to feel one of these things and all of a sudden something is wrong with me.  Well, congratulation to the author, you have me hooked.  Now I have to figure out how to fix this...

Turns out...I am a pleaser.  The book was right.  But there are many different types of pleasers and not all of them are bad news.  I found that I connected most to the stories of the played out pleaser.  This was someone who is highly motivated and a perfectionist (which it turns out causes all kinds of problems).  Played out pleasers are willing to do everything they can, but rarely say they can't take care of something.  They hold it all inside as an angry and uptight person that erupts in private, but maintain a happy face for the world.  Boy if my husband could read that!  He often complains that I seem angry or unhappy when the slightest things set me off schedule.  I'm not actually angry...just tired.

How did I get this way?  Well, it wasn't because of a bad relationship with my Dad like the book tries to point out.  In fact, my dad is AWESOME!!!!! I believe it is a result of the second idea in the book...birth order to blame.  Here are some traits that I have as a first born:

• Perfectionist
• The author dedicates an entire chapter on how my perfectionism will eventually destroy me into a never ending pit of despair until I learn to let go of my crazy goals and go for mediocre...never happening.  I guess I will wallow in excellence forever :)
• Reliable
• Conscientious (try to be)
• List Makers
• I think the author visited my office
• Well Organized
• This led to a huge debate at my house.  Mostly because my sister...a raucous last-born took offense to the idea that I would be considered more organized than her.  She would be right.  She is often more neat and clean than I am.  I tend to twirl around in a mess that somehow manages to pull it all together when I get to work.  At work, I take all the organized energy I haven't been using and apply it at a frantic rate that leaves others stressed out by spending time around me.  Way to go!
• Critical
• Serious
• Scholarly
• I just started a blog that is about reading nonfiction so I guess I can't argue with this one
• Goal Oriented
• High Achieving (if you set goals...this is the result, come on)
• Self-Sacrificing (oh boy, I am a pleaser)
• Supporter of law and order (I'll share a story about this one)
• Loyal

Luckily for me, most of my traits are pretty good.  They just mean I have a tendency to want to follow the rules and not complain.  It also means I rarely say "too much" or ask for help from anyone outside my parents.  So the key to not being so much a pleaser...or to become a happier pleaser is to speak up.  It is ok for me to say "I can't do that" or to expect to be treated fairly.  I am allowed to have high expectations for other people (as long as they are reasonably)

Overall, I definitely recommend this book.  It is a fun read and it does make you think about yourself in a new way.  Let me know if you think you are a pleaser and how you are fixing that :)

Happy Reading!

Leman, Kevin. The Pleasers: Women Who Can't Say No and the Men Who Control Them. F.H. Revell Co., 1995.

Nonfiction Adventures

Nonfiction Adventures:

Google Dictionary defines a reader as "someone who reads or who is fond of reading."  Ever since I can remember I have been a reader.  In elementary school at would read and write at a voracious rate.  I would read books about gymnastics, fairy tales, books of lists, anything I could get my hands on.  As I grew older, I began reading many more books, but often about the same topics.  I focused all my gymnastics reading on blogs and articles.  I had refined my love of fairy tales to only reading books within an extremely large series (5 books or more).  And I would read all sorts of lists.  I loved nonfiction books because they offered an opportunity to learn about something totally new.  I would spend hours pouring over books of random facts, anxious to learn something, anything!

2017 was a terrible year for me.  I had drama in nearly ever aspect of my life.  My personal life and relationship was struggling and I had to put many pieces back together.  My work life was a mess.  I hated my job due to a variety of changes that had been made and didn't know what to do to fix things.  By the second half of the year, many of these issues were beginning to resolve.  My relationship with my family was improving.  This helped me to feel more valued and become a better mom.  I had changed jobs and was thriving in my new role as an instructional coach for a new school.  Despite these improvements, I still didn't feel like I was fully me.  That is when I came to the decision that I needed to make a change for 2018.

Many people make resolutions for the new year.  I don't have a resolution in the traditional sense.  I don't want to lose weight or start working out every day.  I just want to explore and discover who I am.  I want to peel back the tired and angry mask I have been wearing and find the explorer that once existed.  That is how the idea for Nonfiction Adventures began.

How it works: 

I am committed to finding the real me by going back to doing something that I once loved....reading.  I thought and thought of how to begin and decided to begin with EVERYTHING.  I am going to read a little bit of everything.

Step 1: I will head to the library to check out the book selection.  The picture above is of the library I like best in the neighborhood.  They have tons of books in the nonfiction section.

Step 2:  I will start at the first aisle of nonfiction and make at least 3 book selections from 3 different topics.  Each time I will start at a new aisle.

Step 3: I will read each of the books and take notes

Step 4:  I will post my thoughts and learning from the text.  Hopefully it will be interesting to you too.

*I may end up LOVING a section and want to know more.  If so, I may end up reading multiple texts from that section.  I'm open to learning about anything

How does this affect you?

Just as I am taking this reading challenge, I have a challenge for you.  If you are interested in learning more, I invite you to share in my nonfiction adventures and to share your stories with me.  Also, if a topic peaks your interest or you have a great story to share about that topic.  I would love to hear about it.  My goal is to connect to others through this journey.

HAPPY READING!